Fear and Loathing in Las Suburbs

New York school kids scared the hell out of me.

The way they swarm and push and fight on the subway. The way they talk like the dirtiest of Fleet Week sailors. The way they walk the streets like they own them.

In fact, the walking is what scared me most – the realization that one day my children will walk away, and I’ll have to let go, my arm limp and useless, unable to pull them out of harm’s reach.

But in New York, it was always someone else’s kid.

Mine were tucked safely in the Baby Bjorn or the Bugaboo or closely watched by preschool teachers, forbidden from roaming the wild streets of Park Slope (gasp!) unattended.

Today, though, it was my turn to stand, idle, while Liv walked away, left without a goodbye and got on the bus. With strangers.

School starts early in Georgia...
In August. With a 6-something bus pickup.

And, yeah, she didn't even turn around.  No wave.
Nothing.

The first day of kindergarten is a momentous occasion, filled with “big girl” talk, new friends, and safety scissors.

And for us, the first day of kindergarten was also the last day of Livvie being four.

How did we get here so fast?

Five years sounds like a long while, but it feels like nothing. I still feel the rush from speeding north on the West Side Highway, racing rampaging contractions, risking potential road combat to cut lanes and shave drive time.

And then… 

There she was, swaddled in my arms – all lips – blinking at me from under her standard-issue hospital cap. 

Okay, those aren't my arms, but they are her lips.
I think they might've gotten a little banged up on their way to see me.

Liv seems to have grown taller in the past few weeks, her face slimming a bit, her eyes growing wider and, if possible, more inquisitive. Her lips still full but, this time, smiling.

I’m so proud of her and want her to be just as proud of herself.

I want her to stand tall, like an exclamation point.

I want her to walk like a New York kid.

I want her to leave the fear with me and walk like she owns the world.